Toxic Thoughts

I woke up this morning to an addicting thought process I had allowed myself to indulge in lately. Naturally, I thought it was harmless. Not so, it seems. In addition to the typical hateful self-inflicting thought process I usually harbor in my mind (that has seemed to relapsed from my past “redemptions”), it was just too much for me to handle. Never before have I awakened  in the middle of my sleep because there was something on my mind. I pulled out my iPod and listened to a Podcast from Student Church, the Toxic series, which is by far (along with the Masquerade series) my favorite of all time. This one was about Toxic Words, spoken perfectly by Elizabeth Ott along with help from the Masters students. God was certainly with her that night…because as usual, she brought the “shunda.” I can’t even begin to explain how good that sermon was.

Something she said stuck out to me: that we need to submit our words to God every day so that we don’t create a toxic environment and hurt others…or ourselves. I could feel God leading me in the idea that I should submit my horrible thoughts to him every day like that. Because something (actually everything) Elizabeth talked about really fit my current situation when I transformed it that way, words –> thoughts. She mentioned the verse about being lukewarm, and she said if we’re wondering why God isn’t responding to us when we’re “doing all the right things” then we need to check our words (in my situation…thoughts). Everything clicked! Suddenly it made sense why God never speaks to my heart anymore, why he never makes his presence known, why worship is so dull. It seemed so simple, and I’ve been pondering it for the longest time! It was because I had been doing what Elizabeth warned us against: belittling God’s own creation, myself, someone made in his image (“Who are you to do that?” she had said), and indulging in addicting thoughts that distracted me from him.

Sure, it’s easy for me to think bad things about myself. I’ve been doing it my whole life because I think they’re true. At least, others and Satan have led me to believe as much. But I realized this morning that whether they’re true or not, they create death in me, and nobody wants to be around dead, smelly, and boring things when they can be around life like Liz talked about. So I made the decision to submit my thoughts to him, both the addicted ones and the self-hatred ones (which is a big deal for me to do so, as I’d been leeching onto them for so many years). I made a visual in my mind of taking those evil thoughts, crumbling them into a ball of paper, and (as I had once done with Carolyn) burning them into nothing but ash…what they really are. And where they belong: under my victorious feet, not spreading death in my brain and destroying its entire ecosystem like Liz said. I figured that by writing all of this out, it would help to further rid me of the poison, as Sunshine always told me to do.

Already I’ve seen a difference. And boy do I feel so much better

Now if I can only keep a hold of it this time, and not let it get away from me again…

I Didn’t Know Things Could Be So Painful…

I must be the master of hiding my emotions.

I usually don’t get people asking me what’s wrong with me. I’m too happy a person for that. But sometimes…sometimes I get them. And I always answer the same. “Yeah…just tired.” Doesn’t everybody? And they believe me everytime. Because I’m Marissa! I never get upset! Yeah, right.

This time is different. It’s a haunting memory. I never knew that such a thing existed.

I never had a boyfriend. I never experienced a break-up. But I do think I can say with confidence that this hurts just as badly, if not worse, as any break-up.

He makes me angry. He makes me bitter. He makes me wish I had never met him. Still. I think of him and an army of emotions explode out of my heart. Hurt. Pain. Loss. Betrayal. Longing. Fear. Anger. Bitterness.

Hope.

That last one is the one that keeps all the other ones in line. And it makes it unbearable. I get this ridiculous hope that we can be best friends again. That we could be thick as thieves. That I could have someone for the first time since Abby (my amazing mentor) that was patient with me and who loved me as a good friend should. He was exactly what I needed. He was my medication to life.

What I didn’t know was that the medication was addicting. I relied on it for my life, and, when he took it away so easily, I crashed. Three years later, I’m still longing for him. Leaving our friendship was too easy for him. All the sweet things he told me that made me feel like an acceptable person meant nothing. If I was his friend like he was my friend, he would have second thoughts. The split didn’t even phase him.

I feel like Jacob Black from the Twilight saga. Bella was like his drug. He hated to be around her because he knew he couldn’t have her, but he couldn’t resist getting more. He was addicted. As am I.

I need some serious rehab. But he will always be there.

He will always be there, killing me softly with his soft, knowing green eyes.

Surrender

You know, if we knew God as much as we would like to, He wouldn’t really be God anymore. We would be.

I don’t know about you, but I would be the biggest failure of a God there ever was. I’m so grateful that He has that job, yeah?

I say that to say this: He’s one tough cookie to understand. I was at church on Sunday night (yes, Sunday night service changes lives just as much as Sunday morning services can, you should check it out sometime) and He took me so off guard, I had to leave church early. I had to chat with a friend to try to figure it out. I remember having a familiar feeling of loneliness on this Earth as we were in worship at the end of service, and He took me off guard by asking me to let that very feeling go. Like permanently.

Well, just as off guard as his request was, my answer was even more surprising. My heart and my spirit instantly went into an uproar. When first looked at, that doesn’t seem like such a large request, does it? And He asked so gently, I was shocked that I reacted so strongly. I wasn’t angry at Him for asking me, just troubled.

What was so incredibly ironic about the whole thing was that my Fine Arts team mom Facebooked me our Fine Arts song for the year the next day. The title was Surrender (exactly what God was wanting me to do). I literally laughed.

This was a serious request. The turmoil inside me was also serious. My logical side spent days trying to figure out what was so special about what I call the “hollow feeling”, where I feel lonely, or sad about being lonely. It’s when people do the little things to hurt my feelings. Not like shattering my heart to pieces, but poking it with toothpicks. My friend Candace put it perfectly: people break away at our hearts, and they will eventually make a very beautiful statue, or a very ugly one. I suppose God’s reason for asking me is so that this world doesn’t make an ugly statue out of me.

My first thought was that I was going to flat out deny God His request. That was a very shaky thought, because I don’t recall ever flat out denying God anything of me. When I thought this, I had a funny feeling of being a rebel. Not that being a rebel was funny, but the feeling kind of was. I had the feeling that I would be thrown into jail for denying Him or something like that.I wanted to say no, because I knew that giving up this hollow feeling would mean having to give it up daily. This feeling, this bad problem of mine, had been a part of my life for at least a decade. I nearly scoffed at my own Savior.

“Why would you ask me do let go of something like that? Don’t you have any idea?”

Yes, He did. That’s exactly why he asked me to surrender it.

My second thought was panic. I didn’t realize it until Wednesday (after this Sunday request) that the reason why I was holding so tightly to this hollow feeling was because it protected me from the mild hurt I’m exposed to all the time. That hurt builds and builds and builds.

God helped me discover more about the hollow feeling during worship on Wednesday night. I prayed for the longest time for confidence, and I realized that this hollow feeling was the exact thing keeping me from that confidence.

This entire process rode on guilt. But God is SO GOOD! If I get anything out of this, it’s the knowledge that God is a PATIENT healer! I was so disappointed in myself that I couldn’t let it go at the snap of my fingers, but I found out that God wasn’t. I just knew that He was smiling down on me with all the encouragements in the world. I FELT that on Wednesday like I never have before. If these hard struggles mean this intimacy with God, maybe they’re not so difficult after all.

I said to Him:

“I don’t have the confidence to let this go, God. I just don’t.”

and He said to me:

“I think you do.”

“Well, if you think so, that’s all that matters.” But my answer was very reluctant. After a moment, He said back to me:

“Have people really hurt you that badly? That you have this little faith in yourself?”

“Yeah. They really have.”

“Well, I can heal that too.”

His last answer to me was so full of love that I just melted inside. I just crumbled from happiness. It was the sweetest thing anyone had ever said to me, and I hope I’ll remember it forever. He had completely gained my trust. Yet, I still couldn’t quite let it go. But it was ok! I finally learned that He would be willing to wait for me as long as I needed.

I’m still trying to figure out the kinks of this surrendering process. It’s hard, frustrating as all get out, and confusing. Sometimes I’m not even sure of what I’m letting go of. But God helps me. I’ve never, in all my 16 years of living, felt so loved or comforted. It’ll take time, but that’s alright with me. If we never go through the processes of life, we may miss out on countless opportunities to benefit both the world and ourselves.

A BFF

The terrible irony in life is that things never go the way we want them.

And we can do two things with those things: we can take them and throw them away, or take them and learn from them.

Here, I preach to the crowd as well as myself. I would be in the wrong to go on a rant to not mention that I go through the same thing.

There is a positive to everything. Whenever something goes wrong, I have to think of the up sides to that situation. Abby taught me that. She taught me to see people; the person on the inside. The sad thing is, I rarely do it. Like now, for instance.

Now, I am generally friendless. That sounds impossible to everyone, but it’s honestly true, to the bottom of my heart. I’m not sure if it’s that I’m too expectant, or if I’m just being too hard on myself. I, because of my family, have always blamed my state as being my fault. I’ve been fighting with that mindset a lot lately.

I think what I’m looking for is a best friend. Someone who I can pour my heart out to and know that it’s more safe that it was inside my own self. Someone who will text me first. Someone who I can never run out of things to talk about. Someone who I can have sleepovers with and who will gladly stay over at my house. I’m not even kidding, that sounds like such a fairy tale to me right now.

I suppose I’m looking for another Baron. Being in this state, I miss him more than anything in the world. He was the best friend I ever had.

I don’t know what I search for. I have to review my heart to make sure I’m not too over expectant.

For example, I have a best friend in California, but we really don’t get the chance to talk much, and of course I never see her. She never texts me first. So, in that sense, I do have a best friend.

So why do I feel so miserably alone? School is worse now than it was in Elementary AND Middle School. I had my little kiddie friends back then, at least, even though I was made fun of. Now I have no one at school, AND I’m being made fun of. Every time people tell me to ignore them, it’s like telling a sponge to ignore water. It just can’t happen. It’s not that I’m being stubborn, it’s just that a lifetime of being kicked to the floor has gotten me to be extremely sensitive and paranoid of teasing. And now, with no one to lean on, I trip all of the time.

I’m so thankful for God. He, at least, will be my BFF. And, with his merciful grace, he understands that I need human companionship. And, going back to what was said in the beginning, I can know that He has everything under control. Though I never see this in the positive like I should, I know that one day I will be able to help someone going through this same situation. I hope that it will make me a stronger woman for my future children, or students, or mentees.

PMA-Positive Mental Attitude. That one gets me every time.

Memory Ghosts : The Testimony

Beautiful UR by Deborah Cox

Traumatic events in our lives never go away. Whether its two, five, or ten years ago. Or an ongoing event, like mine, that’s lasted close to ten years.

I’m a junior in high school now. Everyone tells you that high school is so much better than the K-8 years, because the students are slightly more mature than the youngsters.

This year I’ve finally found out that they were a bunch of dirty liars.

In Elementary School I was  made fun of for the usual nerd things: “I was fat; I was ugly; I said stupid things; I had one friend; I had crossed eyes; I wore glasses; and, my favorite, I was a ‘four eyed cross-eyed beast’”. I remember, when I was younger than ten, I would hold a knife to my belly for several minutes. I never had the courage to plunge. This happened more than once.

In Middle School I was ignored for the reasons above, but the students had the grace enough to leave me alone about it. Had family problems added on to my insecurities and had to have psychiatry help. Got denied by the psychiatrist because they refused to help children. But, thank God, Abby Grace came into my life and saved me from myself. She was my counselor instead, and because she left, I learned to make God my counselor.

In High School I was still ignored, but, of course, the students grow up (slightly). I wasn’t made fun of, but still rejected for whatever reason. Freshman year I had two amazing friends that ended up tearing me apart at the end of the year. By the grace of God (whom, because of that huge situation, I had purposely abandoned) and the Masters Commission, I overcame. Sophomore year was long, because I didn’t have those friends anymore, yet I still had to see them around campus. That was hard. Junior year, my current year, one of those friends that had broken me left the school. She caused the most pain, so it was a huge relief, but I soon began to miss the friend side of her, along with the boy I had been friends with as well. Luckily, he was still at the school and I got the chance to talk to him about what happened two years previously. Getting that talk helped me get closure, which was fantastic, and I was able to not be friends with him in peace. With the girl I never got that closure, and that prolonged my recovery process quite a deal. I see her sister at school, and I always remember the good times I really did have with her, but also the bad. It makes me so sad, because I loved her sister very much. She was one of the sweetest people I had ever known in my entire life. I can tell that when I wave at her that she’s extremely uncomfortable. She doesn’t wave back.

Oh, what a year…thank you God, it’s gone by extremely fast. If it didn’t, I dont know how I would be able to take this. A few weeks ago I had some students tease me for no reason. They just came up with something to laugh at me for. I know they didn’t mean it personally, and I never held it against them…but it did its damage.  It made me feel so childish…I started to remember those Memory Ghosts that Abby and God had helped me forget. It tore me up so badly. Remembering the fear, the constant fear, of being made fun of. The knife to my abdomen. The rejection. Not being able to walk down the hall without being petrified of being teased. Wondering if it would ever end.

I am a living success story. Every day that I make it to the end is an overwhelming victory. The sad thing is, nobody ever knew. Nobody ever cared to know. When I wrote it down in my diary, and my family got a hold of it, they held no concern. In fact, they scoffed at me. They thought I was just being too dramatic. They told me to get over myself. They made fun of me too: I was too slow; I was too lazy; I had no responsible bone in my whole body; I never did enough. No peace wherever I went.

This year has been the hardest so far for me. I found myself being fearful that I was losing myself several times. Because those students teased me for no reason, those insecurities I had locked up choked the life out of me. So I stayed silent, even though I had so much to say. The sad thing was, nobody noticed.

Come on, people. I’m just as much human as you are. Do you really treat me like dirt because you think I’m less of a person than you are?

Don’t answer that. Just think.

That’s just like comparing a German Shephard and a Poodle; saying that the poodle isn’t a dog just because it’s smaller than the german shephard. Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it?

If you could just see me, if you could only understand, perhaps you would think twice before you apprehend.

That’s the beautiful thing about God, though. He takes a hopeless situation and makes it just right. A few weeks ago, it clicked for me. I was reading my bible in Galatians, and, after several days of blindly reading this verse, I finally got it.

Galatians 1:10: Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.

In my desperate need of human contact, I had completely thrown away God’s approval. I lived for pleasing man, because I thought that that was the only way to fill the lonely gap I had accumulated over the years.

But it doesn’t work, folks. We need God in our lives. He’s really the only thing that will fill us. Truthfully, I’d rather have no friends than no God.

It took a few weeks, but I’m better now. I’d forgotten the Memory Ghosts once again, and quite enjoy telling Satan off for bringing them up. If you ever look for a way to make your day, just yell at Satan when he tries to bring you down. It works, because you have God standing right behind you to back you up and scare Satan down to the pit of his empty soul.

Sometimes, it’s just wonderful to sit, and breathe, and enjoy life, and all the stories and testimonies we overcome. We become legends within ourselves, and it’s a pretty cool feeling. Hang in there, guys. You’ll definitely make it through if you allow yourself to.

Beautiful UR by Deborah Cox

Rambunctious Rantings

Things always come up at the crappiest times.

To be more accurate, however, I think I should say that crappiest times always bring up things.

Why? Why is that? Satan being a brat, or memories crashing through your thought barriers? Why?

The injustice of everything that’s happened in my life is so overwhelming I don’t know how I can take it.

Please, don’t get me wrong. I understand that there’s needs in the world; that children starve, people have no homes or shelter, someone contracts cancer, people lose their sight, their hearing, their memory. And in that sense, I know how blessed I am, and I keep that knowledge deeply pressed into my heart.

But…would it be alright if I remember my sorrows, compared to these tragedies? Could I express that?

Why is it? Why is it that dramatic events in our lives are so etched into heart it becomes a part of you? Even two years later, it eats through my soul like a rampaging termite in a hollow sea of totem faces.

Why me? Why not me? Questions that peck at my mind and my heart. Difficult questions that should be easier. Easier questions that should never be. I wish I had never met her. I wish I had never met him.

Why? For the stupidest reasons possible. Because, against everything: my parents, my acquaintances, my rationalizing mind, I miss her. I miss the friend inside her that I loved so much.

I miss the heart inside him. His literal green ,soul piercing eyes that crashed through my plans and so often saved me from myself. Why? Why can’t I have that anymore? Why does it haunt me now, when I had years to remember? Because the pain of that night refused to let me remember? To reminisce with reason?

They’re gone. They’re not part of me anymore. They never will be again. To protect yourself, you have to separate yourself from them, especially him, completely and totally.

CMON, RISS! What happened to you? Where did you let your spirit fly off to? Is it because you know that looking back is going to tear you down? Well, it is. Save yourself. Don’t think of them. Don’t think of him. When you miss him, don’t. When you don’t have friends and you remember his respect for you, his friendship love for you, don’t.

It seems so impossible. Every circumstance in the world thrown towards us to pull us apart. It sounds so romantic, but it never was, and I never wanted it to be. We had that friendship that I had always needed, and still do now.

This is my farewell letter. My goodbye but not quite goodbye letter. Because you see, chocolate Labrador, I’ve found out something today that hurt me so bad it was extremely surprising. It was two years ago, but I still remember. I remember every day. You told me that you had made a tree house in the branches of tree of friendship. But you didn’t; you had a placebo there just to make me feel special. But then you burned it, taking a few of my branches with you. Trying to make me feel special, like every crayon in the box, and not just a few. I remember Krayola. I remember Riss. I remember everything. When I said that Riss was dead, Edward Cullen couldn’t have described it more perfectly: “it was the blackest kind of blasphemy.” If I’m going to be honest with myself, I’d have to say that I miss Riss right now with every fiber in my being. I bet you don’t; I bet you didn’t really care about me that much. No one ever does in the end.

I’m not even trying to be spiteful anymore. Don’t take that as my intentions. I’m just angry. I’m angry that I never got to say bye to you properly. And when I tried, I was pushed away. By both of you, but mostly you.I bet it was easy for you, not being my friend. You were my best friend, but I doubt I was yours. I’m never that important to people. The Cocker Spaniel loses again.

Again, I’m not being “woah is me.” I’m not printing out a sob story. I’m just hurt. Your intentions were never to hurt us, but because you did what you thought was right. It was always right for you, but not for us.

I’m so sorry that they were never right for us. I’m sorry we ruined your party. We always ruined things for you, bickered to your insanity point, and I’m so regretful that you had to be a part of that. You kept us together for as long as we were.

But I’m bitter, and to release the poison from my heart I have to tell you why. It’s because you both left the threesome with a part of you still intact. You both had friends. Good friends to run to. You had your sanity. For you, Lab, you had popularity that was annoying to you. But you two never knew how much I didn’t. I lost it that day. That week. It took me months to come back. I was never the same.

And now, the reason for my writing. In order to say goodbye officially, the way I absolutely have to do, I first had to apologize and set some things straight. To set some things straight so that I could apologize. Know that I miss you and that I always will. Both of you. Yes, even you, Husky, because I never stopped loving you even when I said I didn’t. And yes, I realize that that statement annoys the crap out of you.

Goodbye. Say hello to the part of my heart that you stole, because I miss it.

All my love,

The most commonly known Riss, Ku Fumbatsisa, Krayola, and rarely Marissa.

The Little Things

God is not only a jealous God, but He’s an inspirational one too. I feel privileged every day to have so much grace extended my way. I read about His crucifixion last night, and it was heart wrenching. So many people think over and over again: “Oh, I’ve read the story 1000 times. It’s no big deal anymore”. I had this mindset for the longest time. But, you know, you have to remember some things. He carried the sins of billions upon billions of people, including yours and mine. He thought of you when He died, and He hurt for you when He didn’t have to.

God was human once too. He knows the situations you go through. He knows how hard temptation is, the pain of ridicule, rejection, and betrayal. He hurt at several points too. And the mind blowing thing is: Jesus still died for us despite all of the things the people did and said to Him. At the garden, He sweat that stressed blood. And, get this: His disciples, the twelve that had walked with him His entire ministry, fell asleep in His time of need. “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,” He said. “Stay here and keep watch with me.” He was asking His friends to stay with Him and to strengthen Him! But they let him down! Not once, not twice, but three times. Three times Jesus went back to His disciples to find them sleeping and not praying with Him. “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.” God understands that we are weak and that we are of flesh. We battle daily to please either the flesh man or the spirit man within us, and He knows. But he still has expectations, just like you and I. But what’s so wonderful about God is that when we mess up, he forgives us if we ask.

God has extended us a life. One life and one chance. The disciples deserted their Lord at the garden when trouble overcame them. Will you not stay with your Lord like Peter did? Peter followed Jesus at a distance, only to deny Him. Even though he denied God that night, God forgave Him. Will you follow Him? This story is one of my most favorite in the Bible; after His resurrection, Jesus asked Peter three times if he loved Him. Three times He asked for the three times Peter denied Him. I find God asking me that a lot:

“Marissa, do you love me?” “Yes Lord, you know that I love you.” “Feed my sheep.” In one way to put it, “If you love me, keep my commandments.”

“I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand {generations} of those who love me and keep my commandments.”

Can’t you grasp a hold of God? He is a personal God. He cares about the little things just like we do. He cares about cussing, he cares about complaining, about yelling at our parents, just like it upsets us when others forget our birthday, or when others lie to us. I hear it SO OFTEN: “What’s so wrong with cussing?” Let me answer that question for you right now.

God had told us: “But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, ‘Raca, ‘ {An Aramaic term of contempt} is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.”    “He loved to pronounce a curse— may it come on him; he found no pleasure in blessing—may it be far from him. He wore cursing as his garment; it entered into his body like water, into his bones like oil. May it be like a cloak wrapped about him, like a belt tied forever around him. May this be the LORD’s payment to my accusers, to those who speak evil” If that doesn’t explain enough, let me tell you. Everyone always says that cursing is a man made creation, and perhaps it is. But do you think that God is satisfied with us putting others down? I don’t care if an ass is a donkey, or a bitch is a female dog. I know, and you know, that when you yell at others these condemning words you don’t mean these words as their true meaning is. There is nothing justifyable about cussing. It’s a condemnation against your brothers and sisters in this world, and there is absolutely no reason or excuse for the actions.

Yes, God cares about the little things. My life was changed when I realized that. When I counted my complaining, it helped me reduce it remarkably. And by reducing my complaints, I reduced my impatience, increased my listening capacity, and sooo much more. I knew God was pleased. But believe me, I’m far from perfect. I’m constantly making mistakes, and it’s hard. Believe me, it’s so hard. But instead of staying down when I feel beat, I get up and try again! God has extended us that ability. Why don’t you search your life today and find the little things that keep you from Him? It could be a girlfriend, secular music, media (like TV), the computer, whatever! Never replace something in your life for the presence of God.

It’s so silly to me, that during these blogs I write for others benefits and not for myself. But I believe that wisdom, no matter the level, is to be shared with everyone. It’s my duty as a Christian with so much to give to give as much life in words and scripture as I can. Please accept it with my love and peace.

The Bitter Seeds

Life has so many complications. War with self, bitterness, lust, hate, fear, denial, insecurities, selfishness, crime, profanity, carelessness, lack of concern for others, media, divorce, and so much more.

Yet, there are so many wonderful and beautiful things of this world that make life special. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control; music, selflessness, purity, giving, friends, family, and most of all, a loving Father of a God.

I long and strive so much to be all of those things that make life special. Recently I have tried, and mostly failed, at being more optimistic and to stop complaining all of the time. I want to be an influence in this world. I have to view everything, absolutely everything, with an eye like God’s and to see the good.

Recently, I have been working on a system to stop my complaining and to remain optimistic. My results have been life changing. I can’t believe how many things I have achieved due to my lack of complaining. It has done several things for me:  A) it has kept me opedient to my parents.   B)It has given me a much more beautiful perspection on life and all of its loveliness.   C)It has kept me from remaining too lazy.    D)It has helped me to be a peacemaker. E)It has given me a stronger love for people, and helped me overlook my past loneliness.

But most of all, the most important reason out of all of them, is that it’s drawn me so close to God. I’m working on making it a two way relationship, but it’s a struggle. I try to stop talking so much so that God can pour in to my life as well. I guess that will have to be another thing to work on.

I couldn’t believe it, the wonder of God Almighty. I have FINALLY, after so many years of fighting, caught a glipse of it. I have always loved the Lord, but I had never seen Him. I really believe that working on this system, and remaining faithful to it, has given me a life changing experience and change. God, and only God, can fill the void I had always had deep in my heart. I pray so often that my Ones can find that same love in the Lord like I somewhat have. I know it would change their lives forever.

Painful Heart Exercises

I serve an amazing God. He’s unpredictable, mysterious, and perfect.

In the morning service Pastor preached the best service I’ve heard in the longest time. He talked about being alienated and how to handle the enemy in those situations.

I had never needed a service more in my life.

I’m constantly alienated in my schools, and now that the Masters are gone, kind of at church. I feel alone all the time.

Might I just poor out my heart on here? Hopefully I wont be judged there too.

Although I love the Lord, I lack the trust in him that I so desperately need. He’s always calling me higher than where I am, and I don’t feel like I ever meet those needs. Maybe if I did, I would have friends. People might love me then.

Oh sure, people like me, but those that really mean anything already have best friends. And if that isn’t the case, they don’t really think I’m important enough to do anything with. No one understands me but God, and most of the time, always because of me, even he can’t fill that void in my heart that’s growing deeper and deeper inside me.

My family hates me, too. I’m failing algebra. The Masters are gone again, two of them not coming back.

What happened to me?

I have a big heart, but I dont think I can take so much gain and loss and gain and loss. I don’t know what I need. I need God’s opinion on that part. All I have is a dream and a sob story.

And when no one finds that to be very important, you start to think it’s just that special.

Where is the love? Where is the joy? Where is the happiness? Where is the motivation? The peace? The satisfaction? The confidence?

The Vitality of Friendship

I don’t believe I will ever understand the definition of “weird”, “strange” or “crazy”, but lately I’ve been informed that I was thought to be these things. When I think about it, I’m thought to be many things, and these “things” change often depending on the mood of the persecutor.

On that note, what truly is “normal”? I don’t believe anyone could inform me. There are several ideas of “normal” that never really pass the real test.

So if it’s all agreed that “normal” is in the opinion of the beholder, why is it that thousands of people, daily, become recipients of ruined days?

We have to have the perfect skin, the perfect eyes, the perfect body, have the perfect weight, and many other qualifications to be a “normal” human. The other listings are endless.

Why? Why do we think this way?

In all sincerity, if God wanted us all to have the perfect body type, we most certainly would. If God wanted us to all have type A personalities, we would.

Don’t you understand? We are all utterly and beautifully different from each other. We’re all unique and special and part of the bigger picture; the bigger puzzle in life. Every piece is vital for that very picture to look complete. We all have something we can do better than others, we all have talents and dreams.

What I don’t understand is, why is it that I still don’t belong anywhere? Why, in a world filled with human beings, do we have to hate each other? Although individually we all have differences, we as humans all live and breathe, we all hope, dream, live, love, hurt, rejoice, mourn, and feel sorrow.

Truly, I could tell you countless beautiful words that make you feel warm on the inside, but it would be worthless if you don’t live them. There are people crying out in this world to be loved and to feel special. You just have to listen for their voices. Voices like mine.

I don’t consider myself to be “weird”, “strange”, or “crazy”, but if everyone else knows me as such, what’s keeping me from being that? My own self control? Thankfully, I have a God that will back me up no matter what. I know he’ll keep me safe from the mental and physical hurts of the world when needed.

Whether you like it or not, whether you believe it or not, I’ve learned better than to crumble under the rumors of this modern day and age. I’m going to remain myself, even if it is “weird”, “strange” or “crazy”. I’d rather be me than to be something I’m not.

Perhaps you should have alone time, a “come to Jesus” meeting with God himself. Perhaps you should ask him who you really are, or who you should be in him. Whether you believe in the Lord or not, I could confidently say that the higher majority of mankind strive to better themselves in some sort of fassion. When you find who you are and you stick by that, you’ll find that you’re so at peace with who God’s made you to be that you can start to share that confidence with others.

Still, daily, I struggle with that very confidence. It’s difficult to “preach” to others on a situation that’s very much your own. Though I’ve found my person and have found an aproximate peace with it, I still very much lack the confidence behind it.

Perhaps it is simply the woman in me that’s so critical of myself, or that I’m a particular threat to satan and he’s having a feild day with my emotions.

Either way, I choose to live my life as me. And that is all it will ever be.