I must be the master of hiding my emotions.
I usually don’t get people asking me what’s wrong with me. I’m too happy a person for that. But sometimes…sometimes I get them. And I always answer the same. “Yeah…just tired.” Doesn’t everybody? And they believe me everytime. Because I’m Marissa! I never get upset! Yeah, right.
This time is different. It’s a haunting memory. I never knew that such a thing existed.
I never had a boyfriend. I never experienced a break-up. But I do think I can say with confidence that this hurts just as badly, if not worse, as any break-up.
He makes me angry. He makes me bitter. He makes me wish I had never met him. Still. I think of him and an army of emotions explode out of my heart. Hurt. Pain. Loss. Betrayal. Longing. Fear. Anger. Bitterness.
Hope.
That last one is the one that keeps all the other ones in line. And it makes it unbearable. I get this ridiculous hope that we can be best friends again. That we could be thick as thieves. That I could have someone for the first time since Abby (my amazing mentor) that was patient with me and who loved me as a good friend should. He was exactly what I needed. He was my medication to life.
What I didn’t know was that the medication was addicting. I relied on it for my life, and, when he took it away so easily, I crashed. Three years later, I’m still longing for him. Leaving our friendship was too easy for him. All the sweet things he told me that made me feel like an acceptable person meant nothing. If I was his friend like he was my friend, he would have second thoughts. The split didn’t even phase him.
I feel like Jacob Black from the Twilight saga. Bella was like his drug. He hated to be around her because he knew he couldn’t have her, but he couldn’t resist getting more. He was addicted. As am I.
I need some serious rehab. But he will always be there.
He will always be there, killing me softly with his soft, knowing green eyes.
