A BFF

The terrible irony in life is that things never go the way we want them.

And we can do two things with those things: we can take them and throw them away, or take them and learn from them.

Here, I preach to the crowd as well as myself. I would be in the wrong to go on a rant to not mention that I go through the same thing.

There is a positive to everything. Whenever something goes wrong, I have to think of the up sides to that situation. Abby taught me that. She taught me to see people; the person on the inside. The sad thing is, I rarely do it. Like now, for instance.

Now, I am generally friendless. That sounds impossible to everyone, but it’s honestly true, to the bottom of my heart. I’m not sure if it’s that I’m too expectant, or if I’m just being too hard on myself. I, because of my family, have always blamed my state as being my fault. I’ve been fighting with that mindset a lot lately.

I think what I’m looking for is a best friend. Someone who I can pour my heart out to and know that it’s more safe that it was inside my own self. Someone who will text me first. Someone who I can never run out of things to talk about. Someone who I can have sleepovers with and who will gladly stay over at my house. I’m not even kidding, that sounds like such a fairy tale to me right now.

I suppose I’m looking for another Baron. Being in this state, I miss him more than anything in the world. He was the best friend I ever had.

I don’t know what I search for. I have to review my heart to make sure I’m not too over expectant.

For example, I have a best friend in California, but we really don’t get the chance to talk much, and of course I never see her. She never texts me first. So, in that sense, I do have a best friend.

So why do I feel so miserably alone? School is worse now than it was in Elementary AND Middle School. I had my little kiddie friends back then, at least, even though I was made fun of. Now I have no one at school, AND I’m being made fun of. Every time people tell me to ignore them, it’s like telling a sponge to ignore water. It just can’t happen. It’s not that I’m being stubborn, it’s just that a lifetime of being kicked to the floor has gotten me to be extremely sensitive and paranoid of teasing. And now, with no one to lean on, I trip all of the time.

I’m so thankful for God. He, at least, will be my BFF. And, with his merciful grace, he understands that I need human companionship. And, going back to what was said in the beginning, I can know that He has everything under control. Though I never see this in the positive like I should, I know that one day I will be able to help someone going through this same situation. I hope that it will make me a stronger woman for my future children, or students, or mentees.

PMA-Positive Mental Attitude. That one gets me every time.