Things always come up at the crappiest times.
To be more accurate, however, I think I should say that crappiest times always bring up things.
Why? Why is that? Satan being a brat, or memories crashing through your thought barriers? Why?
The injustice of everything that’s happened in my life is so overwhelming I don’t know how I can take it.
Please, don’t get me wrong. I understand that there’s needs in the world; that children starve, people have no homes or shelter, someone contracts cancer, people lose their sight, their hearing, their memory. And in that sense, I know how blessed I am, and I keep that knowledge deeply pressed into my heart.
But…would it be alright if I remember my sorrows, compared to these tragedies? Could I express that?
Why is it? Why is it that dramatic events in our lives are so etched into heart it becomes a part of you? Even two years later, it eats through my soul like a rampaging termite in a hollow sea of totem faces.
Why me? Why not me? Questions that peck at my mind and my heart. Difficult questions that should be easier. Easier questions that should never be. I wish I had never met her. I wish I had never met him.
Why? For the stupidest reasons possible. Because, against everything: my parents, my acquaintances, my rationalizing mind, I miss her. I miss the friend inside her that I loved so much.
I miss the heart inside him. His literal green ,soul piercing eyes that crashed through my plans and so often saved me from myself. Why? Why can’t I have that anymore? Why does it haunt me now, when I had years to remember? Because the pain of that night refused to let me remember? To reminisce with reason?
They’re gone. They’re not part of me anymore. They never will be again. To protect yourself, you have to separate yourself from them, especially him, completely and totally.
CMON, RISS! What happened to you? Where did you let your spirit fly off to? Is it because you know that looking back is going to tear you down? Well, it is. Save yourself. Don’t think of them. Don’t think of him. When you miss him, don’t. When you don’t have friends and you remember his respect for you, his friendship love for you, don’t.
It seems so impossible. Every circumstance in the world thrown towards us to pull us apart. It sounds so romantic, but it never was, and I never wanted it to be. We had that friendship that I had always needed, and still do now.
This is my farewell letter. My goodbye but not quite goodbye letter. Because you see, chocolate Labrador, I’ve found out something today that hurt me so bad it was extremely surprising. It was two years ago, but I still remember. I remember every day. You told me that you had made a tree house in the branches of tree of friendship. But you didn’t; you had a placebo there just to make me feel special. But then you burned it, taking a few of my branches with you. Trying to make me feel special, like every crayon in the box, and not just a few. I remember Krayola. I remember Riss. I remember everything. When I said that Riss was dead, Edward Cullen couldn’t have described it more perfectly: “it was the blackest kind of blasphemy.” If I’m going to be honest with myself, I’d have to say that I miss Riss right now with every fiber in my being. I bet you don’t; I bet you didn’t really care about me that much. No one ever does in the end.
I’m not even trying to be spiteful anymore. Don’t take that as my intentions. I’m just angry. I’m angry that I never got to say bye to you properly. And when I tried, I was pushed away. By both of you, but mostly you.I bet it was easy for you, not being my friend. You were my best friend, but I doubt I was yours. I’m never that important to people. The Cocker Spaniel loses again.
Again, I’m not being “woah is me.” I’m not printing out a sob story. I’m just hurt. Your intentions were never to hurt us, but because you did what you thought was right. It was always right for you, but not for us.
I’m so sorry that they were never right for us. I’m sorry we ruined your party. We always ruined things for you, bickered to your insanity point, and I’m so regretful that you had to be a part of that. You kept us together for as long as we were.
But I’m bitter, and to release the poison from my heart I have to tell you why. It’s because you both left the threesome with a part of you still intact. You both had friends. Good friends to run to. You had your sanity. For you, Lab, you had popularity that was annoying to you. But you two never knew how much I didn’t. I lost it that day. That week. It took me months to come back. I was never the same.
And now, the reason for my writing. In order to say goodbye officially, the way I absolutely have to do, I first had to apologize and set some things straight. To set some things straight so that I could apologize. Know that I miss you and that I always will. Both of you. Yes, even you, Husky, because I never stopped loving you even when I said I didn’t. And yes, I realize that that statement annoys the crap out of you.
Goodbye. Say hello to the part of my heart that you stole, because I miss it.
All my love,
The most commonly known Riss, Ku Fumbatsisa, Krayola, and rarely Marissa.
