Traumatic events in our lives never go away. Whether its two, five, or ten years ago. Or an ongoing event, like mine, that’s lasted close to ten years.
I’m a junior in high school now. Everyone tells you that high school is so much better than the K-8 years, because the students are slightly more mature than the youngsters.
This year I’ve finally found out that they were a bunch of dirty liars.
In Elementary School I was made fun of for the usual nerd things: “I was fat; I was ugly; I said stupid things; I had one friend; I had crossed eyes; I wore glasses; and, my favorite, I was a ‘four eyed cross-eyed beast’”. I remember, when I was younger than ten, I would hold a knife to my belly for several minutes. I never had the courage to plunge. This happened more than once.
In Middle School I was ignored for the reasons above, but the students had the grace enough to leave me alone about it. Had family problems added on to my insecurities and had to have psychiatry help. Got denied by the psychiatrist because they refused to help children. But, thank God, Abby Grace came into my life and saved me from myself. She was my counselor instead, and because she left, I learned to make God my counselor.
In High School I was still ignored, but, of course, the students grow up (slightly). I wasn’t made fun of, but still rejected for whatever reason. Freshman year I had two amazing friends that ended up tearing me apart at the end of the year. By the grace of God (whom, because of that huge situation, I had purposely abandoned) and the Masters Commission, I overcame. Sophomore year was long, because I didn’t have those friends anymore, yet I still had to see them around campus. That was hard. Junior year, my current year, one of those friends that had broken me left the school. She caused the most pain, so it was a huge relief, but I soon began to miss the friend side of her, along with the boy I had been friends with as well. Luckily, he was still at the school and I got the chance to talk to him about what happened two years previously. Getting that talk helped me get closure, which was fantastic, and I was able to not be friends with him in peace. With the girl I never got that closure, and that prolonged my recovery process quite a deal. I see her sister at school, and I always remember the good times I really did have with her, but also the bad. It makes me so sad, because I loved her sister very much. She was one of the sweetest people I had ever known in my entire life. I can tell that when I wave at her that she’s extremely uncomfortable. She doesn’t wave back.
Oh, what a year…thank you God, it’s gone by extremely fast. If it didn’t, I dont know how I would be able to take this. A few weeks ago I had some students tease me for no reason. They just came up with something to laugh at me for. I know they didn’t mean it personally, and I never held it against them…but it did its damage. It made me feel so childish…I started to remember those Memory Ghosts that Abby and God had helped me forget. It tore me up so badly. Remembering the fear, the constant fear, of being made fun of. The knife to my abdomen. The rejection. Not being able to walk down the hall without being petrified of being teased. Wondering if it would ever end.
I am a living success story. Every day that I make it to the end is an overwhelming victory. The sad thing is, nobody ever knew. Nobody ever cared to know. When I wrote it down in my diary, and my family got a hold of it, they held no concern. In fact, they scoffed at me. They thought I was just being too dramatic. They told me to get over myself. They made fun of me too: I was too slow; I was too lazy; I had no responsible bone in my whole body; I never did enough. No peace wherever I went.
This year has been the hardest so far for me. I found myself being fearful that I was losing myself several times. Because those students teased me for no reason, those insecurities I had locked up choked the life out of me. So I stayed silent, even though I had so much to say. The sad thing was, nobody noticed.
Come on, people. I’m just as much human as you are. Do you really treat me like dirt because you think I’m less of a person than you are?
Don’t answer that. Just think.
That’s just like comparing a German Shephard and a Poodle; saying that the poodle isn’t a dog just because it’s smaller than the german shephard. Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it?
If you could just see me, if you could only understand, perhaps you would think twice before you apprehend.
That’s the beautiful thing about God, though. He takes a hopeless situation and makes it just right. A few weeks ago, it clicked for me. I was reading my bible in Galatians, and, after several days of blindly reading this verse, I finally got it.
Galatians 1:10: Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.
In my desperate need of human contact, I had completely thrown away God’s approval. I lived for pleasing man, because I thought that that was the only way to fill the lonely gap I had accumulated over the years.
But it doesn’t work, folks. We need God in our lives. He’s really the only thing that will fill us. Truthfully, I’d rather have no friends than no God.
It took a few weeks, but I’m better now. I’d forgotten the Memory Ghosts once again, and quite enjoy telling Satan off for bringing them up. If you ever look for a way to make your day, just yell at Satan when he tries to bring you down. It works, because you have God standing right behind you to back you up and scare Satan down to the pit of his empty soul.
Sometimes, it’s just wonderful to sit, and breathe, and enjoy life, and all the stories and testimonies we overcome. We become legends within ourselves, and it’s a pretty cool feeling. Hang in there, guys. You’ll definitely make it through if you allow yourself to.
